A bit of pressure

 Seems to be the current vibe lately, and so I'm just gonna dump my thoughts here for now. There's just been so much going on lately and the basics are getting done, but it's not leaving much energy left for otherwise. Still waiting on a few ewes to lamb, and the hogbarns are a bit of extra work now. Cim injuries are being handled but it's discouraging at how slow healing is. I try to stay positive but it is hard sometimes! The colts get a bit of attention daily but lately Cim's been the focus , and hogbarns. 

  In the house, I worked 1 Sunday afternoon on a needlework- first time anything artsy since Oct retreat. That gets me down too, cuz there's alot of beautiful things to do but I'm just too tired lately. Maybe it's aging, maybe it's giving up coffee, and maybe it's blood pressure pills now- or a combination of all 3. But it leaves me trying to dog paddle through everything and trying to stay "connected to the joy " as it were.

Been trying to get violins ready and that too was a high to low. Cuz a freind of a friend was supposed to be this great violin fixer and such. And while he is very talented and kind, essentially it was a waste of my $ to have him do stuff cuz "it's good enough, don't worry about it ' is the style. And while that works for him who's been playing for decades- it's not for me as a beginner and is certainly not good for my instruments as I am learning from an actual Luthier.  Sigh. Besides poor alignment jobs he's scratched and dinged my violins too and pretending not to notice. 

The ones I'd had him fix up are also all rigged to his style of fiddler playing and his preferences- so he went ahead and modified them quite a bit, and even used broken parts to do so, cuz that is all what he had on hand  after he ruined my bridge on one. 

 Twice now this freind talked a big talk about something but reality was sub par and an expensive lesson. It almost seems like a pattern now that they want to be this source of grand opportunity for something really great that I'll "owe" them for- but it's actually nothing like all the hype they do. And a big let down that just costs me wasted time and money. I will have to be wary in future of any big ideas they have- chances are its a big deal in thier head and nowhere else. Moving forward,  Gary was a nice guy, very kind and talented, but I won't be letting him monkey with my violins any longer. Visit with? Sure. But not messing with my stuff. 

At the end of the day it's still my instruments and my $. I'll be money ahead letting a professional take care of stuff rather than people who have bigger confidence than what thier abilities actually are. I guess that can be said for the freind too. 

I want the violins in good shape and to begin lessons again.  Hopefully after Xmas. 

What I need to get cracking on NOW is painting ornaments for Xmas- usually I'm done by Halloween but not even started yet.  I'll tackle that this Sunday if Jeff doesn't scramble the plans. Weekends are like that though. 

I also ain't been spending time with mil either. She's either been horrible bitchy or overly sweet and since I do not trust her I ain't believing that she's had any change of heart. It's nothing but spider and the fly when she's being nice. She's been over a couple times now and fn just walks into the house like she fn owns it. And then expect everyone to drop what they're doing to pander to her. 

I'm looking forward to shitty weather when she won't leave her house.

Her reason for yesterday visiting was to ruin Xmas by announcing Robin and her family are coming for Xmas. Big fat hairy deal. But we'll all be expected to be as excited about it as they are and par the course- it'll be nauseous stress for us over nothing but abject stupidity.  

She also dropped big hints about Xmas decorating " all those boxes to get out" and I just played dumb. I wasn't volunteering to be at her mercy for that shit. She enjoys doing that with other people- she only enjoys bossing me around, so I ain't wasting my time. She'll find some other "volunteer " and make a great fuss over them for my sake- intending to make me jealous or shamed it should've been me. It is to laugh. 

I'm just done with her and all her bullshit . 

Dr's orders to cut stress and she's 95% of it. 

So that's the way it has to be and finding joy is paramount 

Sometimes it all gets overwhelming and then it just puts me in freeze mode where I don't wanna do anything with any of it, even the joyful stuff cuz there's a backlog of chores and housework screaming instead. And it just gets a spiral. 

I really need to refresh my brain 

Things with Jeff are great. Things with Jake and Luke are great. The house, though messy, is still a haven, a place of peace, for all who live in it. I comfort myself with that fact cuz it could be obsessively cleaned like mils (when it's really not, that's an act) but not be a haven for anyone. Just a cold display of stuff -and anxiety with eggshells to walk upon. 

There's also some planning for future, where I'd be working at Liz's store in Osage . I dunno the details yet as she has to figure out things, but it would be nice I think. It wouldn't interfere with the hogbarns schedule and be nice to get out for a couple days.  And she's willing to work around my farming schedules too, which is great. As January gets closer I'll know more. 

And I ain't saying anything to mil about it either. She doesn't need opportunity to sabotage my plans. And she would buck at the idea of my not being available 24/7 for her real, imaginary, or self inflicted problems and bullshit. It's been proven in the past. I no longer give her ammo to destroy me with. 

But working would take time away from my colts, I will have to figure out a way to compensate that. And yet at the same time, it would be only a few days a month so it's not terribly much either. But I'd have to configure everything else too. Still, I look forward to it. Next week I work a day as well and that'll be fun. It's sure different working in a "fun" store where people come to find joy and pretties - than it was working in Healthcare where people didn't really have a choice but to be there. 

I think I'm quite ready for another adventure.....